La segunda semana/The second week Part II

Coming back to the casita brought me from the extreme of fullness and happiness to loneliness and sadness. I never anticipated living alone would be such a tough experience, but I never have before and was unaware of how important the physical presence and proximity of my support system is. It was hard to come back and not be able to process the day with anyone or share a breakfast with them. It is very difficult to come to a place and part of the country you have never really spent time in before and make roots for yourself alone. Living alone has made me realize just how important the connections I have with my family and friends are and parts of myself that had not been challenged or absent from me before. These feelings lasted for the next few days in between my first and second shifts and I eventually shared them with the Assistant Academic Director at our meeting on Thursday.

I had scheduled a meeting with the Assistant Academic Director so that she could provide me with some feedback on my research and to receive her final permission to get my interviews underway. She was extremely helpful and gave me some advice about useful websites, showed me around the MLL library (a doula and midwife's dream space), and said we could meet once a week to discuss the progress of my research. She also gave me some sound advice about my living situation and told me that she could tell I had never lived alone before. She advised me to come to the birth center more often to write up my fieldnotes and be in the presence of people. She was understanding about how I felt and it was nice to connect with her. It is so easy to do that will all the women at the birth center, though, and it really is an incredible community. I have a break in between the June and July sessions and will visit my family during the last week of June to restore and rejuvenate myself. I had a leftover voucher and used it to buy the ticket - I think it will be an important time for love, reflection, and sleep and will ground and center me before going back in July.

Saturday, June 12

My second shift felt amazingly balanced, steady, and downright great. It was today that I really saw myself potentially becoming a midwife and felt more capable of conducting citas, providing recommendations, filling out paperwork, and feeling integrated into the birth center. I had heard from one of the short-term students and at circle that morning that shifts had been a bit slower the past few days, potentially due to the World Cup, the border shooting that took place a few days ago, and the hot temperatures (the women do so much walking and waiting). Our day was steadily busy, but not overwhelmingly so like Tuesday. I conducted five citas all day (some took longer than others) and really became much better at taking fetal heart tones, blood pressure, and explaining recommendations. My Spanish is still limited in some of these areas, especially when I compare myself to the students who have been there for nine months or longer, but MLL is all about being hands-on, making mistakes, learning from them, and then trying again. It is so nice to feel trust and support from the midwives and other students, and especially from the women who are so patient and gracious when you are trying to explain all that you are doing and finding. I shadowed an initial cita (that was SO much Spanish and I definitely want to build up to that) and was also able to observe portions of my citas I could not do (pap smears, venipuncture, physical exams).

At the end of the day, I was able to make a nice dinner of scrambled eggs and broccoli and talk with one of the staff midwives about the special energy and people at MLL. I was shocked I had time to call Sam and my mom to check in before cleaning up and lying down for awhile. I was doing "couch" (which means you sleep in the sala and get up if there are labor checks or sits) with one of the other students and had trouble falling asleep, worrying I needed to be up and helping. I finally did though and was able to sleep between 4 and 5 hours before being awakened for a birth at 4:58am. I was literally in the room for 3 minutes and the baby was born. I was up to be shadow primary on the birth rotation and stayed with the student and woman for the rest of the time documenting and providing support in whatever way possible. My role as a doula is so different here and it has been difficult not to play a more active role in the births. I enjoy helping in whatever way I can, but I am not really serving as a doula unless a woman requests support (she generally has someone with her). I am learning how you can provide support just by being present, though, and am learning how crucial the third stage (the birth of the placenta is) in terms of blood loss and managing it. I spent the rest of the morning in and out of the room with the primary until it was time for me to leave again.

Overall, my second shift felt natural and right - I am so happy when I am at the birth center and I sometimes can't believe I am here, doing what I'm doing, seeing what I'm seeing, and playing an active role as a short-term student. Despite the pain and hardships, I feel that I am supposed to be here and that I am experiencing a type of education and lifestyle that I have never experienced before. I am grateful for my time here and hope I will be able to feel better and better about the lonely parts each day. Thanks to all of you for making me feel so loved and supported from afar! Until next week :)